Kicking a Dead Horse

I've fallen in a hole. Nay, a very large rut. You see, I can kind of be a walking contradiction. I am rarely ever satisfied yet I often settle for less than I deserve. I get caught up on the smaller, more insignificant things and let the bigger things pass on by. I can be spontaneous and shake up my life drastically at the spur of the moment but with too much time, I almost have an inability to take the first step needed. I always think it'll be better when I do this, or that, and when I get there, I look longingly back at the past.

I promised myself yesterday that today I would start eating healthier. I had pizza for breakfast and pasta for lunch. I've promised myself I would finally apply to that school and save for when I'm there. I still haven't applied or saved. In fact, I can hardly rub two pennies together. I've promised myself for a year and a half I'd go back home for a visit. Still haven't done it. Get a run in everyday. Stick up for yourself. Be more health conscious. Go to the art museum. Call your grandmother. Don't forget your laundry!

As spring creeps it's way into chicago, I'm enjoying the state but to be honest, I went through a few months of misery where I was ready to scratch that itch I get every year to move away. To just leave it all behind. I applied to the University of Alaska for Pete's sake. A lot has been going on since the clock hit midnight on 2013 and I'm in such a different place than I was just 6 months ago. Yet, there are things that I should be doing to bring me into the life I really want and I'm stalling. In the past I've had people "pushing" me(okay, okay, more like encouraging) into things. Family with school, friends into trips (one to the U.K. and one of the best decisions in my life), even nannying. Some of the best decisions in my life weren't necessarily my idea and I think I'm floundering because the encouragement of the people I'm closest to hasn't been physically present.

What is it about small and tedious acts, that lead to the bigger ones that go unfulfilled? What is it that prevents me from doing them? Is it fear? Is it laziness? The need for closer people in my life? This is something I'm working on and it's proving difficult to break the habit. I'm not sure how to overcome these bad habits, my paralyzing fear, and stop procrastinating leaving my comfort zone. I may not like my comfort zone that much some days, I may feel constricted and like I'm not living up to my potential but so far that isn't enough to stop myself from procrastinating, putting things off and avoiding the shit out of things. When am I going to start living a life I love, instead of settling for second best?

Anyone else out there falling in their own "rut" too?

-Stay classy S.D. Lillie out.

*Disclosure: No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Please don't call PETA.