Hey, Does Anyone Have Any Aloe?

Today, for the first time since high school, I decided to give a tanning bed a-go. Before I proceed further, I have to tell you, I've always been that poor white girl at the beach in a tank top. Not because I'm self conscious but because I burn; and I burn good and hard. But with summer quickly sneaking up on us all, I decided to do something for the greater good and tan so you poor folks don't have to wear sunglasses around me while I'm in short shorts or a dress. You. Are. Welcome.

Prior to my voyage, I googled "helpful tips on tanning in a bed for beginners." Hey, you have to start somewhere, right? (Yes, before you say anything you could say I am a google addict. There are so many studies that are revealing people of our generation are becoming dumber due to our insane addiction to technology and having all of the answers literally in the palm of our hands when needed. I know people who literally don't know how to get themselves home because of their dependency on GPS. My downfall is googling everything. Ev-a-ree-thang.) 

With my newly found knowledge on tanning, I excitedly, and reluctantly, lotion up before I left the house and made the treacherous journey 4 blocks east. Like a wide-eyed lemur I walked inside Xotic Tan and asked the super skinny, super tan, early twenty-something gal a few questions while making a mental note I do not want to be that tan. Gross. She walked me back to the room and gave me basic instructions. I applied my tanning oil, hopped in the bed and had a mild claustrophobic attack before settling in and enjoying my "me" time. Before I knew it, my time was up and I took a look in the mirror. Awww, I did tan a bit and that little heart sticker did, in fact, leave the cutest little tan-line. And awww, oh shit, my back is burned. Damn it.

Leading me to the question: Why do women (and some metro-sexual men) (and the homo's [holla gurl!]) pay well earned money to burn themselves for a week or so of a mediocre tan? Which lead me to the other questions: why do women diet and starve themselves to be skinner, or pay hundred of dollars to highlight their already natural beautiful hair, etc.? Is it all in self-vein, or simply trying to fit in to an already vein society? Leading me to the conclusion: Too many people buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong here. I am exactly the type of person I described. I payed for a month of tanning. I do occasionally buy Crest Whitening strips. Along with currently being on the Paleo diet and hating my life Sunday-Friday because I can't have that cheese on my fucking salad or that delicious damn pasta that's been taunting me in the pantry just waiting to be cooked the second I cave in. 

But why? Sub-conciously am I trying to look my "best" according to societies standards to attract a man, like a gazelle attracts a hungry lion? I mean, probably. But am I also trying to look my best due to these standards so I imagine myself to just be prettier? I, just like any other girl, do the MeanGirls stand-in-front-of-the-mirror-and-pick-out-different-parts-of-my-physique-I-dislike-and-chose-to-change. "I should be tanner," "Jesus I need a pedicure," "Oh, hellooooo Yetti, time for that eyebrow wax," "Oh boy, that gut is reaaaally beginning to protrude there, Champ."

I don't know. I could sound cliche here and say you shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody may, or may not, have a problem with it. Think about it, the honest to God truth is, at any given moment maybe there is someone somewhere that is making a face about you. But it's the reviews you give yourself that matter, right? So if you feel better gettin yo tan on, girl, then you go get it. And you know what? I'm gettin' my tan on and nails did tomorrow. So instead of looking at that scar that you have like it's the ugliest thing you've ever seen, or that mole you wish was never there, or hating your freckles, or wishing your were taller, skinnier, blah, blah, blah... Simply just smile because you're beautiful..... And I am seriously sunburned. Does anyone have any aloe? 

No? Alright. 

Oh, and for anyone interested in reading an article about how we're becoming a stupid generation, here ya go: http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2012/11/13/dumb-and-dumber-study-says-humans-are-slowly-losing-their-smarts

Stop judging. Love more.

Today I had a "friend" I've grown up with state on his Facebook: If you have the equality sign as your profile picture, or if you stand for it, I will delete you as my friend. Within moments I, along with many other people, was deleted. I just thought that it being 2013 tolerance and acceptance of others beliefs, especially among my peers, should just be expected. You may not agree with me, and I you, but I at least respect you. I would never terminate our friendship over a difference in beliefs.

That's what is so great in America. We are all allowed and FREE to express what we believe in and feel to be morally right. Your morals may be biblically bound, and I respect that as I personally do believe in God. But what goes hand in hand with my beliefs is treating others with respect, tolerance and acceptance. It is not YOUR place to judge someone based on their life, decisions, sexual orientation, sex or race. It is YOUR job as a human being to live harmoniously along side of those that are different than you.

I sure know you'd expect the same and wouldn't want my judgement because you chose to like the opposite sex, or your parents were divorced, perhaps you've had premarital sex, maybe you've lied in your lifetime or, heaven forbid, you have been gluttonous and selfish. You have the expectation that others in your life accept you and your life decisions, or mind their own business if they can't, and move the hell on.

If you can't be positive in your life then that's on you, but don't rub off on others because you aren't an open minded or, in my opinion, hearted person. If you don't believe in Equal Rights, friends, than I respect your opinion as its yours and I would sincerely love to hear why you believe that (and I hope you would give me the same respect)! I respect you and your beliefs, I love you and I thank you for being a part of my life. I love having friends who believe differently than me, it adds spice and color to my life!

The more you judge others, the less you love.

Serendipitous

I've been struggling with deciding what I was going to talk about on my next blog. Until it literally just hit me today. Sometimes something just happens that, like in my last post, it pops you right in the face and you are just completely dumbfounded.

I grew up in a humble area. When I first moved to Colorado, there wasn't much around us but a store a couple of miles up the road and a gas station or two. I'll never forget growing up in the neighborhood I did. We were surrounded by families and kids my age. And this one boy... My first crush. He was the bees knees in my mind and he showed no interest in me at the time. I even invited him to my birthday party. It was probably Spice Girls or flower themed. What 7 year old boy wouldn't like that? Sheesh.

Fast forward a million years, or like 10. Whatever. I'm 17 and working at an elementary school during weekdays after I'm out of school and practice. It was perfect for a first job, amazing energy, I hung out with kids all afternoon, and got paid to throw dodge balls at them. One afternoon, the doorbell rang and I jumped up to answer it. I swung open the door to see the handsome, lanky kid that I had a big crush on so many years ago. How serendipitous! He was inquiring about a job, and somehow we exchanged numbers. He never got the interview. Oops. We lost contact yet again.

Fast forward, again, to 5 years later. Where we became Facebook friends, thank God for technology reuniting people who have communication at their fingertips despite needing social media as well. We talked a bit over e-mail, exchanged numbers and began texting. The stars seemed to align!!!!! ...... Except this time, I was living 2,000 miles away in Chicago while he was still in our hometown. That didn't prevent the constant texting, what's been happening in each others lives, and talk about how things could have been different, should be different and maybe they will be in the future, blah, blahhhhhhh.

Until the texting spun out of control. I began to slip on responding for hours, or days. And be bombarded with 40, 50, 60 texts saying "I want to be with you," "Why aren't you responding to me," "This is how you are? I don't like it." Woah. The constant texts and accusations from someone whom I hadn't really seen in years was a biiiiiiiiiit heavy. So I cut things off. Asked him to leave me alone.

And he didn't. Text after text after text. I simply ignored and became angrier with him, and myself for somehow ending up in this awkward position.

Until one day, I received a text apologizing and saying he was having a tough time because he had been "having seizures," and the doctors were concerned he may have "tumor" on his "frontal lobe."

WOAH.

Rather than respond right away, I stewed. Is this why his texts were out of control? Is the cancer causing him to react this way? If that's the case, I've known him for so long why didn't he just tell me from the beginning? How is his family taking this news? Is this even true? What if it isn't? Is he absolutely insane? So self-centered he can't stand that I'm not paying attention to him?

Wait, yeah, how is his family taking this news? His brother and I are facebook friends... I should e-mail him and get a little verification. 

His brother never responded. But I did get a text from my good ol' childhood crush that was clearly supposed to go to his brother, admitting he lied and was just trying to get me to respond to him, and I was a "bitch."

Ummmm... Yeah, I'm the bitch.

This entire situation got me thinking. How do you possibly define "Good" vs. "Evil"? Is it different to everyone, or generalized for society? Is evil all sin? From murder to lying, to homosexuality, to divorce? Is one evil worse than another? Like, one a scale, mass murder being absolute 10 of "Evil," where does all other evil fall on that spectrum?

After a quick dictionary and Google search, I discovered many definitions but the jist being:

• Good is that which improves the community and  possessing or displaying moral virtue
• Evil is that which weakens the community, profoundly immoral and malevolent

So based on these definitions, I know the act of what my childhood crush did was evil, but does that make him evil? Does every good person have the capability of turning into an evil person, or just capable of evil doings? How many evil doings, determines someone an evil person? Or in contrast, how many good deeds total determines someone as a good person? And amongst the other questions, I concede to: Is this Nature vs. Nurture? 

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I had any of the answers. But I feel there is a good argument to everything asked, and everything that could be presented. Does anyone else out there have an opinion? Or has anyone been in a similar situation? 

Baseball analogies and, like, metaphors.

Every once in awhile, everyone gets hit smack dab right in the middle of their face. With, like, a baseball. With your nose bleeding, and head aching, you think, "Wait, what the fuck just happened????" I tend to have those a lot.

Single: Never in a million years did I expect to uproot from my hometown of Denver, Colorado to take a seasonal job at a summer camp in Boston.

Double: Then, never did I expect to fall head over heels in love with my job, friends and a boy there. Yes, there. I said it. I had the cliche typical summer romance.

Triple: Then, never did I expect my summer romance to turn into something bigger. I didn't anticipate not wanting to go back to Colorado.

But I did. My summer guy and I tried to make it work. We went through ups and downs, of course. Spent birthdays and holidays a part. At one point, I was in another country and somehow made it work via the amazing technology that exists today. Skype was our best friend. Texting became imperative. Phone calls an absolute. We'd have Netflix dates where one of us (Okay, usually me) would choose a movie and we'd start it at the same time and watch it together from afar. (Insert condescending "Awwwwws" here)

HOMERUN: We made it work until I made a rash decision to start nannying 2,000 miles away in Florida.

..... And I broke things off. I regretted it for a year and a half. Game lost, 3-4 in the bottom of the 9th.

Summer 2011, Slopapotomous at the Red Sox game.

By the way, that year and a half brings us to today. Where, like most girls my age, I'm enjoying being single. Hell, who doesn't enjoy going to a bar dressed up with your girlfriends, having a few drinks and not having a care in the world? But the rest of the time it's spent combing through past, present and future plans knowing I have that missing link.

Being almost 23, at any given time, I can log onto facebook and see one of three things 1) A friend just got engaged 2) A friend just got married -or- 3) A friend is announcing some big news a.k.a. a pregnancy or birth. To which I respond with an eye roll and exasperated sigh. Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm soooo happy for them. Except it makes me realize, I'm not happy for myself.

So many questions arise in such a situation. Why am I not in a relationship? Am I doing things right? My mom had a kid at this age, should I? Wait, what am I thinking? Why would they get married? They're throwing their youth away! Or am I? If I'm not getting married, in a relationship or having a kid, should I be doing something bigger with my life? Do I regret my past leading up to today where I have no prospects of marriage yet? Am I even ready? Probably not, because I'd be the mom who refuses to give up drinking even while pregnant.

What? If this is wrong I don't want to be right! 

I've played ping pong with these questions and answers a million times. I've gone over these same questions and answers with my best friends and other girls my age. But I guess sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want and just see what happens. Fate is a crazy concept that we're not truly responsible for the course our lives take. It's all predestined, written in the stars. Maybe this explains why, if you live in the city, where you can't even see the stars, your life- love included- just feels a little more random. The craziest part of the concept, for me is, if our every man, kiss, heartache, moment, is pre-ordered in some astrology, cosmic catalogue, can we still take a strong wrong step and wonder off our own personal milky-way? You missed the bus where we were supposed to meet "the one," because you took too much time straightening your hair, or you left the bar too early before they were meant to arrive. What if you meet them, and think they are perfect for you yet you're too nervous to say anything and they are as well? Can we all make a mistake and miss our fate?

All I know is I am looking for love. Not the "I love them and I'm settling for them because I'm afraid I can't find better." Not the "love is learning to live with someone and their flaws" type of love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming can't-live-without-eachother- love. And I have a strange feeling, I'll know it when I have it. Because if I've already looked it in the face, and didn't board that train, then... Well, I'm screwed.

So for now, it looks like we're all stuck in the 7th Inning Stretch just waiting to see how things wrap up in the Series. I might be biased here but... I sure hope the home team wins.

Simply, Love. Beantown support.

I worked in Duxbury, MA, I know that "pahkin the cah in Hahvahd Yahd" is bullshit because there's no parking around Harvard, I drink Dunkin Donuts year-round. I've seen the fake Mayflower in Plymouth and enjoyed picnics at the Cape. I hate the Yankees for no damn reason. Seriously. So being someone who loves the city of Boston, yesterday hit me particularly hard. Especially when I realized my best friends were cheering on their cousin, Sara, at the finish line of the Marathon. My heart sank to my stomach, and remained there for quite awhile because everyone's cell coverage was down due to an overwhelming capacity trying to make their own calls to let their loved ones know they were safe. Luckily, my crew was safe and made it to a hotel where they remained overnight. 

(Hi, Sara!!)

Through this tragic event, I began to reflect. One thing that I don't think many people think of after something like this happening, despite this tragedy, is "love." America’s awesome strength to fight is overwhelmed by its irrepressible strength to love. This terrible event took 3 precious lives today. Love saved countless lives. 

• Policemen on the scene immediately, fire engines on the scene in minutes, strangers carrying strangers, nurses and doctors activated all over the city, volunteers from around the city, state and country helping in any way they can. 
• The love didn't stop there. After two explosions, rather than run in fear, people ran TOWARDS the site, removing barriers and clearing debris despite the uncertainty of safety, smoke and carnage.
• But the love didn’t stop there. Love saved the other children and adults who walked off Boylston St. unharmed.
• But we didn't stop there. Love kept the marathon runners who crossed the finish line running, all the way to Mass. General Hospital to give blood.
• But we didn’t stop there. Love claimed the 6.5 million other people from Massachusetts who are going to bed peacefully tonight, and who will wake up tomorrow morning committed to loving each other a little deeper. 

The awe of today is not that a person(s) full of hate can take 2 people’s lives; it is that a nation full of love can save 300 million lives every day. 

Seriously.. That's amazing... America. Is. Amazing.

Today so many people asked, "What do we do?" You can't escape social settings all together, you can't avoid a movie theater like many claimed they would after the horrendous shooting in Aurora, Colorado that took 26 lives. You can't escape sending your children to school, or to celebrate an amazing city-wide tradition. This answer is you simply love deeper, fuller, more. We love back. We live back. We deepen our commitments to all the unnumbered acts of kindness that make America an unrendable fabric. We will serve more meals, play more games, eat more food, listen to happy music, go to more movies, give more hugs, and say more “thank yous” and “I love yous” than ever before.

You can't stop life because something bad happened. You continue, you grow and you deepen your relationships. 

So, go hug someone who means something to you. Buy someone on the street a meal or a bus ticket. Tell you family and friends what they mean to you. Accomplish your goals-- or work towards doing so. Say a prayer. It all starts with you. It seems so overwhelming to think one person can change the world, but if we're all in it together-- We all can. Life goes on, we move on, but events that happen shape who you are. So let this shape you positively and show others there can be a silver lining.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

Kicking a Dead Horse

I've fallen in a hole. Nay, a very large rut. You see, I can kind of be a walking contradiction. I am rarely ever satisfied yet I often settle for less than I deserve. I get caught up on the smaller, more insignificant things and let the bigger things pass on by. I can be spontaneous and shake up my life drastically at the spur of the moment but with too much time, I almost have an inability to take the first step needed. I always think it'll be better when I do this, or that, and when I get there, I look longingly back at the past.

I promised myself yesterday that today I would start eating healthier. I had pizza for breakfast and pasta for lunch. I've promised myself I would finally apply to that school and save for when I'm there. I still haven't applied or saved. In fact, I can hardly rub two pennies together. I've promised myself for a year and a half I'd go back home for a visit. Still haven't done it. Get a run in everyday. Stick up for yourself. Be more health conscious. Go to the art museum. Call your grandmother. Don't forget your laundry!

As spring creeps it's way into chicago, I'm enjoying the state but to be honest, I went through a few months of misery where I was ready to scratch that itch I get every year to move away. To just leave it all behind. I applied to the University of Alaska for Pete's sake. A lot has been going on since the clock hit midnight on 2013 and I'm in such a different place than I was just 6 months ago. Yet, there are things that I should be doing to bring me into the life I really want and I'm stalling. In the past I've had people "pushing" me(okay, okay, more like encouraging) into things. Family with school, friends into trips (one to the U.K. and one of the best decisions in my life), even nannying. Some of the best decisions in my life weren't necessarily my idea and I think I'm floundering because the encouragement of the people I'm closest to hasn't been physically present.

What is it about small and tedious acts, that lead to the bigger ones that go unfulfilled? What is it that prevents me from doing them? Is it fear? Is it laziness? The need for closer people in my life? This is something I'm working on and it's proving difficult to break the habit. I'm not sure how to overcome these bad habits, my paralyzing fear, and stop procrastinating leaving my comfort zone. I may not like my comfort zone that much some days, I may feel constricted and like I'm not living up to my potential but so far that isn't enough to stop myself from procrastinating, putting things off and avoiding the shit out of things. When am I going to start living a life I love, instead of settling for second best?

Anyone else out there falling in their own "rut" too?

-Stay classy S.D. Lillie out.

*Disclosure: No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Please don't call PETA.

Intro: Duction

I guess I should write a bit about myself. You know, to give the reader a more accurate depiction of my immeasurable greatness. Je m'appelle Lillie. I am 22 years young, although I seem to have a midlife crisis once every couple of months. What can I say, I'm wise beyond my years. Or something like that. I'm a huge smart ass for those who haven't already caught on (Seriously, what took you so long?!).

There are some people in this universe who can make a perfect quiche or amazing chocolate cookies WITHOUT following a recipe. Not me. I'm not a very domestic person. I mean, I know my way around the kitchen. Fridge for wine, sink for empty bottle, oven for storing things in. Occasionally using the stove to burn noodles for fun then order out for pizza anyway. But if you need someone to tell you where the best mexican place is in town-- I'm your gal. I can Urban Spoon like a champ and happen to have many take out places saved in my address book.

By the way, I live in Chicago. And Chicago deep dish pizza sucks. I may not know how to cook, but I live with a chef and I know what good food tastes like and Chicago deep dish is not it. Despite the horrendous (seriously, it's horrendous) pizza and The Bears, Chicago is amazing! Do you know how many speakeasies are here? A lot. And it seems that Chicago turns everything into a drinking holiday! TBOX in December was by far one of the craziest things I've ever been to. Perhaps I haven't made this clear, I enjoy drinking. To make it more clear, I drink socially. Please don't imagine me sitting in a corner, just me and my cat, chugging a bottle of Jack while listening to Simple Plan. Or whatever pity-me music is now. Taylor Swift? 

Full disclosure, I don't own a cat nor will I ever. Also, Taylor Swift is pretty cool. No disrespect... Seriously, don't write a song about it.

Keep it classy, San Diego. Lillie Out.

For those unfamiliar with TBOX: http://www.festaparties.com/events/tbox-twelve-bars-of-xmas-aka-12-bars-of-xmas-chicago-pub-crawl/